They say hindsight is 2020 and while I get the sentiment, right now I also hate it... because 2020 was all we really got together.
We bonded over a love for music, travel and dancing, with future plans together- only to never get the chance to actually experience any of it. My life was feeling as if it's was only just getting started while his was unknowingly winding to a close; feeling almost like two cars passing each other in the night.
We all know how... painful parts of his life had been, and he used to tell me all the time that I "did more for him than I could ever know, just by being me and loving him". I didn't have perspective to know he doesn't talk to everyone like that, and never fully understood what he was telling me until it was over. I didn't have perspective to know that I'd be loving him through the last year of his life while we were day dreaming about the future, to get through a hellish lockdown during a global pandemic.
My best friend's little brother ended his own life when he was 15 and I 18. In losing him, I was left with so many regrets, guilt and shame that shaped the way I love people now. I have no photos with him and worried for a very long time that there was something I could have done differently that could have prevented that tragic outcome. When looking at the way "I did things this time" with Gus, I have no guilt or shame that I could have done better. I know, there's nothing anyone aside from Gus could have done for things to end any differently. I made sure to remind him how absolutely loved he was whenever I could. We managed to get three photos together (which is a 300% increase success rate, so at least there's that) with the promise of taking more on future vacations.
But in losing Gus, I do have at least one regret. I wish I had enjoyed the moments we had more, while we were having them. We all spend so much time wrapped up in our own heads or work or social media or WHATEVER, that we forget to enjoy the mundane moments JUST as much as the exciting ones. An entire year and a half relationship that mostly took place confined in his apartment, built on bonding through those mundane moments we take for granted. In the end, the mundane is what we miss the most.
When reflecting on it all, there's a laundry list of things I want to thank him for. Things like sending my daughter books to help challenge her bored mind, encouragement to go back to school but most importantly, he gave me true genuine love. I was only ever met with patience, kindness, respect and acceptance. Even in a rare time of strife, he was considerate and compassionate the whole way through. The last "real" conversation we had was at our sleepover in the hotel, about two or three weeks before he passed. We were snuggling in bed and he asked me, "Kitten, do you feel safe, loved and cherished with me?" to which I replied, "I always feel that way with you, Tiger." and he responded, "Good. I want you to always feel that way, even if it's not because of me."
He was a wounded man who loved with everything he had, almost to a handicap. He cared so much about others, even total strangers, and went above and beyond to help in any way he could. We were all fortunate to know him and I was blessed to be loved by him.
With being so new to his life, I feel undeserving of this grief but also of all the kindness you've all shown me since this happened. I know you've all done your part to keep going and so I wanted to say to all of you that knew him:
I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for loving him through his dark days so that I someday could too.
