Love Override Code

If you've grown up or lived with any kind of mental illness or trauma, then you'll likely understand what I mean when I say, so much about who I am is naturally self destructive.

I forget to eat for days at a time, and don't usually have an appetite even if I do remember to eat. I have no real sense of time which means it's easy to lose track of, and thus I have no regular sleep schedule. I spent my childhood being punished for emotions so as an adult, I reflexively bury them and fear making them other people's problem. As a child, I had no control over my life and resorted to self harm to feel like I did. In a time of a global pandemic, I feel that same basic lack of control over my life again and consistently struggle to avoid falling into unhealthy past coping mechanisms.

But this experience isn't unique to me, and things like this are common for people like me.

What's interesting though, is how the right people can come into your life and create a Love Override Code.

I can go from forgetting to eat for four days to being mindful of a semi-regular eating schedule, because when we talk on the phone that night they'll ask me what I ate that day. I can be more mindful about self regulating sleep because they deserve a well rested version of me, and they also got me four big fluffy pillows to make a nest in. I can be an emotional wreck with tremors and tears streaming down my face, and be assured it's okay to be feeling the emotions I have and comforted while processing them so that we can move past them.

It's amazing how this Love Override Code provides comfort, safety, support and kindness as part of it's programming (when programmed correctly, at least). But this code is conditional, and only works while the person is in place to signal those commands properly. If this motivating factor suddenly disappears, all factory settings return to normal.

So now, I find myself being naturally self destructive.

I keep forgetting to eat.

I keep forgetting to sleep.

I keep craving old vices.

I keep checking my phone for notifications I'll never get again.

I keep checking social media, hoping for change.

But instead, it's me that's changing and I hear his voice echoing in my mind:

"You deserve to always feel safe, loved and cherished."