It's hard to choose "the biggest lesson" to learn from this heartbreak or "the thing I'll miss the most" because there's honestly too much to choose from. But one of the reasons this loss stings so much, is the feeling of being seen and accepted so deeply and unconditionally by another human that I doubt I'll ever experience again.
All my life, I've never felt like a member of society that really belonged anywhere. I've always felt like an "other" or "outsider" and have a hard time feeling connected to other humans in any capacity. I don't always understand why humans do the things they do or the way social dynamics work, which leaves me feeling defeated and like I'm always missing something or late to the joke.
With this soul who briefly touched my life came patience, understanding, guidance and most importantly unconditional love and acceptance. Several times I came to him shaking with anxiety and on the verge of panic attacks that he so easily defused. Unsure of school and my ability to do it well, he'd constantly reassure that I was stronger than the challenge and my own insecurities. In the grand scheme of life he was still so young and I even younger, but not once did he treat me with condescending remarks or "you'll understand when you're older".
I like to imagine myself as a gardener, tending to my tribe like the robust plant life they are. I try to help remove the dead foliage, and bring light back into those lives to encourage each person's growth at their own pace. I felt as if it was my purpose to provide this but never expected to experience it for myself, but that's exactly what he did for me. He helped transplant me into a better garden, helped me shed my dead leaves and shone light into the parts of me that had been cold and in the shadows for such a long time.
How do you recoup from losing something like that?
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