Tears stream down my face as I clutch so tightly, now.
As I wish I hugged you when saying goodbye that last time.
Because the smell of you, faintly lingering on your shirt
Is the first thing to bring you any closer to me in weeks; or ever will again.
The first time I noticed was a sleepy, lazy, spring morning.
Sunlight faintly streaming through along the seams of the black out curtains,
Listening to the birds chirping in the trees outside below your window,
Our bodies tangled and entwined together in the most perfect cuddles.
You groaned about those birds while I played with your hair
You pulled me in closer, burrowing into the crook of my shoulder
And I basked in what I thought we'd have forever
Or closer to it, at least...
You hated those birds and you hated that apartment,
But for me, it was only ever our sanctuary.
The world outside was always falling apart, but we were untouched
In our little pocket of Seattle
It's where we shared our scars and mended old wounds
Where you rekindled my passion for music, something I lost long ago
We shared stories, both good and bad, from our pasts
And where I assumed we'd share some of our futures
You gave me love I did not feel I deserved
In a time it was so desperately needed
You showed me kindness I feared I could never earn
And assured me I was worth every bit and moment
You gave me encouragement, wisdom and strength I needed
When I couldn't find it for myself
Always feeling safe, loved and cherished
For the first time in my entire life
Your consistently met goal of making me feel as such
Every single day, for the last year and a half
Completely changing my life by simply, loving me.
Life feels cruel in this way;
I lived without you before and now I will do it again.
Except now I know who's missing,
And I know I can never get them back.
There was a time your voice didn't ring through and bring peace to my bones,
So I commit to memory the way it sounded when you said "I love you, Kitten"
Because now I find myself in a time
Where that longing ache is settling into place once more.
But for now, your (recent) favorite Sisters of Mercy shirt
Brings me exactly that; a small window of mercy.
Your scent reminding me of the days we were lucky to get
Of all the late night phone calls and talks about books
Of all the things I have to do without you now...